Living with Fear

So, it’s almost midnight and I’ve been trying to get to sleep for over an hour… honesty time…

Ever since Mom died in November of 2004, I have struggled with fear at night. Fear that someone is going to break into our house and hurt us, fear that my children are going to be taken from me, fear that my husband or my children are going to die.

It’s irrational, it’s uncontrollable and it’s just what is. My heart races, I stiffen up, I hear noises that make me jump, I can’t move and I can hardly breathe. Usually it passes within a half hour and I fall asleep… but lately it’s gotten much worse. I’ve tried praying (which has been a struggle since Mom’s death, also). I’ve tried repeating the name of Jesus… I’ve tried reasoning with myself… Tonight, it took me a good fifteen minutes to summon up the courage to get out of bed and walk out our bedroom door, down the stairs to the computer.

I hate this. I hate that my imagination comes up with these awful, crazy senarios that terrify me. I hate that I can’t control this and get over it. It makes me feel weak and crazy, like I belong in a mental institution or something. This is NOT me!!! I’m the strong one. I’m the one that takes life by the horns and makes something good happen. (ha!)

The good in this is that I have been reminded of the truth that control is only an illusion. I know I don’t control my life, or Jon’s life or my children’s lives… I know that deep down in my gut after experiencing so much death in the last few years. It’s good that I know life is out of my hands, as it should be. God is God and I am not.

But I need peace. In this cruel, dark world, I need peace again… but I can’t find it where I used to, in that place where I used to say, “God loves me. He’ll protect me. He’ll keep me safe and bring me good things.” No. That place no longer exists. Crap happens. Tragedy happens. People get hurt and traumatized in ways I can’t begin to imagine. And it could happen to me. It could happen to my husband or my children. It is a very real possibility, and God may well allow it. HOW DO I LIVE WITH THAT???? How do I go to bed each night and sleep in peace when the thought of my children being hurt cuts me to the core? It literally sends me into a panic. I have never loved like I have as a mother… and it scares me…

Back to prayer: the natural solution to all of this is to bring my pleadings to God, right? Well, the last time I pleaded with God for something I was desperate about, He said no…. as is His right, being God…

But how do I ask Him for what I want? This is all His decision anyway… what does it matter what I ask for? My children are His to do with as He pleases. My life is His to do with as He pleases. Do I have the right to ask for anything?

So I left with a truck load of fear and no where to go with it, because I’ve seen enough to know that bad things happen… you can’t control them or predict them… it’s just life on this earth… it’s just the way things are…

The only hope I have is Jesus’ return, when He brings the new heaven and earth. God, I hope he comes back soon. This world can really suck.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sillyspring
    Mar 04, 2008 @ 23:11:28

    You are right. We have no right to ask God for anything. None of us do. And yet He calls us to do just that. He loves you. He knows your fear and He still loves you. Our emotions- your emotions- are soooooooo real. But never ever forget: your emotions DO NOT dictate reality. I am so sorry you are struggling. You might not feel Him, but your Father is there. He will listen to anything you want to say- good or bad. I know you don’t know me from any other blogger, but do know that God led me to read your post and I am praying for you tonight. If you get a chance, read my blog post called impotential. If you only have a moment, though…..at least pray and cry out to Him. You are right. This world sucks. But God is there and all of this will be just a drop in the bucket when compared to eternity. Know that, regardless of where you are on the emotional rollercoaster, He is there. God bless you, Spring

    Reply

  2. krisanneswartley
    Mar 05, 2008 @ 14:59:55

    Thank you so much for your comforting words, sillyspring. I appreciate that you took the time to read and comment here. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers more than I can say with words alone. May God bless you also!

    Reply

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