Through Ben’s Eyes October 26, 2009

A few weekends ago, we went to the cabin in the mountains of northern Pennsylvania with my husband’s family. We took the grandchildren for a walk to pick up fall leaves. It was a gorgeous October afternoon– a bit past the peak of fall colors, but still full of beauty.

My son, Ben, was the slowest of the walkers, so I hung back with him as he chose leaf after leaf after leaf for his “treasure bag.” After I watched him choose what appeared to me to be very ordinary dead leaves, with brown spots and without much color, I decided to ask him a question. “Ben, why are you choosing those leaves? They don’t have much color and they have ugly brown spots on them.” To which he replied, “Mom, God made these, too!” He twisted his face as if to say, why can’t you see what I’m seeing, Mom, because it’s so obvious!

It’s something we’ve heard a thousand times in Christian circles, that beauty is everywhere and we just need to learn to see people and things the way God sees them. But as I was sharing this story with my spiritual director and bemoaning my inability to do this well– to see with God’s eyes and appreciate all the gifts in my life, large or small, she responded in a surprising way.

“Kris Anne, it is already in you to do this. You have the eyes to see, and it’s only your unwillingness to believe in the light within you that is keeping you from blossoming into all the potential that God has placed within you. Think about your mom. You have told me before that she had little worldly beauty, yet she was beautiful to you. You loved her hands and her eyes, her spunk and mischievous wink. You know true beauty. The Spirit has given you great power… you just don’t believe that yet.” The truth struck me head-on.

I wonder sometimes if we, in the same way, underestimate God-in-us as faith communities. Do we have faith to believe that it is already in us, as the Body of Christ, to see with God’s eyes and to act in God’s power to bring the Kingdom into visible expression? Do I believe in the Spirit at work in my own church community… or, as our shortcomings and struggles rise to the surface, do I underestimate what we’re capable of?

Scars September 8, 2009

Emily, at Think.Laugh.Weep.Worship put up another great post today.

Check it out.

http://thinklaughweepworship.blogspot.com/2009/09/theology-of-stretch-marks.html

Hello? July 7, 2009

You may be wondering if/when I’ll ever blog again… I’m wondering, too.
Perhaps after family vacation. We’re going to Chincoteague with my husband’s family for a week– looking forward to seeing the ponies, enjoying some good ice cream and beach play.

Lately, our family has been very busy with our backyard pool project (we’re putting in an above-ground pool, but sinking it into the ground a bit, so it’s more like an inground pool). I’ve also started volunteering at our church two days a week, so that has changed my schedule.

Another fairly new development in my life is spiritual direction. I haven’t had a spiritual director for years, and I have found a wonderful sister at the St. Francis Spiritual Center in Aston, PA. She has been speaking encouraging and challenging words into my life and has pointed me toward some wonderful resources to use in meditation and prayer. My soul is feeling nourished in a way that is hasn’t been for quite a while. Ahhhh!

Here is one resource I’m currently using for prayer, if you’d like to check it out on Amazon: Psalms for Praying: an invitation to wholeness by Nan C. Merrill. I highly recommend it. She takes the Psalms and anywhere God is spoken of, she uses the word LOVE or BELOVED. It’s a good reminder for those of us who tend to live in our heads (yes, that’s us graduate students!!!!)… or for anyone yearning to know God’s Love more intimately.

See you after vacation!

Pilgrimage May 13, 2009

My seminary cohort, the group I have spent the last three years studying, conversing and sometimes arguing with (in love of course!), is busily preparing to go to Italy at the end of the month. We have been reading some books and repsonding to them:

Serving with Eyes Wide Open: doing short-term missions with cultural intelligence by David Livermore
The Road to Emmaus: pilgrimage as a way of life by Jim Forest
La Bella Figura: a field guide to the Italian mind by Beppe Severgnini

The book I’ve been ruminating over the most is the one on pilgrimage as a way of life. Basically, Forest encourages his readers to approach every day of their lives as a journey with Christ and toward Him, to anticipate meeting Christ in others in every moment, to live with a constant sense of awareness of God’s Presence. *sigh* I do not do this well. I tend to live by lists… I make them and I check things off. Laundry, check. Shopping, check. Pick songs for Sunday, check. Send emails, check. Set up babysitting, check. Dishes, check. Cleaning, check….

I am an extrovert for sure, and enjoy spending time with people; but I can be very task oriented and have probably been more so over the last three years as I added school to my already full life. After reading this book, I long to slow down and savor each moment (even if my hands are busy with household or church tasks). I want to notice things and notice people. I want to live with my eyes wide open so that I do not miss where Christ wants to meet me in another… even, perhaps, my children… especially my children! It sounds idealistic and impossible, yet does that make it a worthless pursuit? Something in me yearns for that kind of spiritual growth and formation. In one sense, I don’t care if I never reach the goal. The point is the journey.

For more information on our cohort trip to Italy, visit

A conversation with my unchurched neighbor May 5, 2009

The phone rings.
“Hello?”

“Kris Anne, it’s Jill. I just wanted to apologize again for not making it to your graduation party. I really wanted to be there, but I was still so sick. I hope it went well.”

“Oh my goodness, don’t even worry about it. I just hope you feel better soon! Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No… and I don’t even want you to pray for me. You know, I have this really religious friend who says we can ask God for anything because he’s our Father and we should be able to ask our fathers for anything no matter how trivial because they love and care for us. But I don’t buy that.”

“Hmmm…. why is that?”

“Well, if I’m sitting at the Black Jack table praying that I will win, that’s not right. That’s disrespectful to God. I only think it’s right to pray about severe health issues… not the little ones, but the big ones. You know, when I broke my foot and I was lying on the ground, I didn’t pray that God would heal it. I prayed that he would help me get through the pain. I don’t think life is supposed to be comfortable or easy. I believe God does miracles and can heal, but to ask him to help me get rich or relieve a little pain… it doesn’t seem right. You just got your MDiv, what do you think about all that?”

“I think your friend is right that God loves us like a Father and cares about our lives. But I also agree with you that praying to win at the gambling table isn’t right. And I think you are right on that life is not about our comfort or wealth… you’re amazing… I don’t know that I always remember that. But I’ve actually been stumped lately about praying over health issues. I prayed for my mom to be healed of cancer and to live, and God didn’t heal her on this side of heaven. For whatever reason, He didn’t do a miracle. I guess lately, I’ve been praying that whatever happens, God will shape me and mold me into a more godly woman. And when it comes to praying for others, I pray that whatever happens to them, God will give them inner peace and strength and reveal His Love to them… and that’s about as far as I get. I know God loves us and wants what is best for us, but He doesn’t always say yes to our prayers… and that’s difficult for me. I sometimes feel like, if He is just going to do what He’s going to, then why ask. I don’t know, Jill. I certainly don’t have all the answers.”

“Yeah. Would you pray for my sister, though? We don’t speak to each other, but I found out she has six nodes on her throat. They are testing them to see if they’re cancerous. Her life is so messed up; I don’t want her to die.”

“I’ll pray, Jill. I’ll certainly pray that God will show up with all His Fatherly love and surround all of you with grace. You’ve got a beautiful spirit, Jill. Let me know if you need anything else, ok?”

“I will.”
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And now, I wonder how to pray… perhaps Jill knows better than I…

Ministry Doubts April 28, 2009

Great post from Maggi Dawn on the pressures of professional ministry on a person’s faith. I needed to read this today:

http://maggidawn.typepad.com/maggidawn/2009/04/is-my-faith-real.html

Found this poem April 13, 2009

A friend of mine posted this poem on her facebook page, and it has been on my mind since then. I sometimes struggle in ministry with doing things to please people or doing things to get affirmation… instead of BEING, and simply BEING FAITHFUL. I know and understand in my mind that ministry is definitely NOT about pleasing people, and that the motivation is twisted if it’s a motivation to get affirmation. But, ugh! I am so human! I pray that this prayer becomes part of my spiritual DNA.
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Deliver me, Jesus –

from the desire of being loved
from the desire of being honored
from the desire of being praised
from the desire of being preferred to others
from the desire of being consulted
from the desire of being approved

from the fear of being humiliated
from the fear of being despised
from the fear of suffering rebuke
from the fear of being forgotten
from the fear of being wrong
from the fear of being suspected

And Jesus, grant me the grace to desire

that others might be loved more than I
that others might be esteemed more than I
that in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease
that others may be chosen and I set aside
that others may be praised and I unnoticed
that others may be preferred to me in everything
that others may become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should.

Thank God He doesn’t let go March 4, 2009

She’s Wearing my Shoes February 19, 2009

I was down on my hands and knees the other day, fishing around for something that was lost under the refridgerator. Suddenly, I heard Heidi saying something to Ben. She had taken his hand and was bending over, looking into his eyes as she was speaking. “Ben, I know you don’t really want to go, but it’s time for school so you need to get your shoes on now. Let’s go. Come on, honey.”  I looked up and said, “Heidi, what are you doing, why are you talking to him like that?”  To which she replied: “Look, mom, I’m wearing your shoes!”

First, let me just say, that I’m glad the first words out of her mouth, as she was pretending to be me, were NOT “Stop that! Come here now! Listen to me for once- I am your mother!!” etc., etc.     But secondly, I wonder what it is about shoes that define the person, in the eyes of children. Maybe it’s just that they are the easiest articles of clothing to find lying around. But why not my coat or my sweater? What is it about shoes that are so fascinating? Well, whatever it was that prompted her little charade, it has me pondering imitation.  Heidi longs for time with me, longs for my attention. She uses my words and tone… even my facial expressions sometimes. She constantly talks about being a mommy someday and having a daughter. Imitation comes naturally to her. It’s how she learns.

I also learn best by imitation. When I’m learning a new melody line, rather than sitting in front of pages of music, I play the song on my computer over and over again, singing and playing along– trying to get the notes, rhythm, mood, and tone of the song exactly right. I also noticed that I write in a style similar to my favorite authors (though I’m obviously not anywhere close to being as talented as they are)… I use their vocabulary, imagery, sometimes even their writing rhythm. This is not really a conscious thing, but the repetition of reading the same authors’ writings over time has imprinted their style on my brain, I think.

So here is what I am currently wondering… As a Christ-follower, how do I learn best? Currently, I spend a lot of time sitting in a classroom, talking about theology and leadership and church history (or reading textbooks and writing papers)– but do I adore my Lord so much that I strive to imitate Him? Am I learning from Him the way I learn a new song, with repetition and detailed observation– in one sense, “singing His Song” along with Him? Am I beginning to think and talk and the way He does, because I have heard His Words so many times that I don’t even realize they have become part of me?  I realize I’m probably not saying anything new here, but it hit me again when I saw my little girl wearing my shoes.

“Anyone who claims to be in Christ must walk as Jesus did.” 1 John 2:6

Journal Entry December 11, 2008

Today, I offer this journal entry from my current seminary class on the book of Acts. We are reading a theological commentary by Jaroslav Pelikan, published by Brazos Press. I am reflecting here on his entry entitled “Mary the Theotokos,” a theme he picks up from Luke’s first chapter of Acts. Luke makes a special note of the women who are gathered with the disciples, and especially he notes the presence of Mary. Pelikan offers, in his commentary, reflection on the Tradition of Mary, based upon the theological writings of the early Church Fathers. Below is my response.

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After reading this entry, I am shocked that this is the first I have heard of the comparison between Mary the Mother of Jesus and Eve (Pelikan 2005, p. 45). This strikes me as a very foundational piece of theology; one that could actually do much to correct the male domination of American evangelicalism. I may be overstating that a bit, but it clearly raises the role of the female in the Great Story to a new level. She is the God-bearer. There is no Messiah without her humble obedience. She is the vehicle of salvation, certainly not in the same way Jesus was and is. Nonetheless, her faithfulness to her call is essential in the salvation story. She gives birth to new life, thus she is the new mother of all who live; just as Eve was the first mother of humanity. Contrasting the choices and lives of these two women, examining the way God acts through them both to bring redemption—there is so much theological meat there—and it saddens me that most of our churches have been missing out on the treasure.

How do I see this as a corrective against male domination in American evangelicalism? I don’t know that I could go so far as to revere Mary with statues in front of church, or pray to her. I do, however, wonder what it would be like to hear her name in church as much as King David’s or Solomon’s or Paul’s or Peter’s. Granted, there is not nearly as much biblical material written about her. On the other hand, if we based a character’s air time in church on their significance to the Story, Mary would have to be right up there with David and Jesus.

In addition, there is another angle to Mary’s title of God-bearer, and that is the way the Church continues to carry on Mary’s role even now. We bear God in the world as we live in it, as we are Christ’s Body on earth. We often speak of the Church as Christ’s bride, and certainly that analogy is present in scripture. However, I do not think it is too much of a stretch to also draw this parallel from scripture as well—that the Church is now God-bearer. Our task is different than Mary’s, but no less a privilege and no less a responsibility. We are invited to answer the call with her words: “I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38 ESV). If she is not a model disciple, who is?

Going even further, the imagery of birth could be used so richly in our churches. The paradox of agony and joy, pain and relief, is a wonderful way to describe the life of a Christian. There is blood, sweat and tears, along with the beauty of being reborn. One needs great patience and perseverance in order to bring forth the life of Christ—what a perfect analogy for spiritual formation! While I am certain this would push the edges of orthodoxy for most evangelicals, I also believe that the image of God giving birth brings fullness to theology, if we truly believe that our God is beyond gender, and both male and female were created in His image. He gets His Hands dirty with us. He labors right along with us to redeem creation. He deals with sin, not by remaining apart from the damage, but by entering into it and absorbing the pain and agony.

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What are you responses to this?  Have I opened a can of worms, once again?